9.23.2011

friday funnies

Unfortunately I wasn't blessed with perfect vision. I was doomed to get glasses in elementary school. Of course, my super cool self picked out glasses reminiscent of Harry Potter's, except they were gold. No wonder my first kiss wasn't until the eight grade. Now I know why my mom said they looked cute. She was singlehandedly sabotaging what could have been a sizzling middle school romance.

Fast forward to now, last week I went to the eye doctor to get my eyes checked because I felt it was necessary to update my prescription. There were four awkward moments that led me to make that appointment. Here they are...

Stealing someone's dog. When it was time for Charlie and I to leave the dog park, I spotted her across the grassy field and started jogging towards her. I yelled her name over and over, but she wasn't coming. I figured she was being her bratty self, so I ran faster with her leash in hand, flailing in the air. I finally grabbed the little beast, but it wasn't my little girl. His owner gave me a strange look and commanded Jack to get away from the crazy lady.

Finding my future husband at a bar. I bumped into him at a dark, crowded bar. It was love at first (blurry) sight. We exchanged numbers, but my friends quickly dragged me away. The next weekend, mystery man and I met again, but the lights were on this time. He was about a foot shorter than me, had greasier hair than Danny Zuco, and probably had a fake ID. Sigh. He wasn't my future anything. The worst part is I was designated driver the night we met, so beer goggles weren't an excuse.

Getting concussed while working out. I like to read magazines while I'm treading along on the elliptical.  It makes time go by a lot faster. I was having trouble reading the juicy articles in Cosmopolitan, so I leaned in closer. I probably looked like Quasimodo trying to get his fitness on with how hunched over I was. I still couldn't see clearly, so I leaned in a little closer. I lost my footing and wapped my head on the machine. A very smooth move in front of all the muscly hunks.

Cheering for the wrong team. It was the first football game of the season. We were all at a crowded bar rooting on our Sun Devils. Everyone was pretty into it and there was maybe one fan for the opposing team. When we scored, I screamed for the touchdown, clapping my hands, and throwing my hand up for a high five. That one opposing fan enthusiastically slapped his hand against mine. His team had scored, not ours. Whoops! That's what I get for pretending I understand football.

Thank goodness I have my new prescription. Now I won't be known as a dognapper, I can use beer goggles as an excuse next time, I won't need a helmut for cardio, and I won't be forked by my fellow Sun Devils.

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