9.19.2011

i used to be fat pt. 2

This post is a follow-up to my 'i used to be fat' post back in February. It's a wee bit personal, and I'm slightly terrified to share, but sometimes people need to see others have courage in order to speak up or make a change.

I've received tons of e-mails asking about my little weight loss journey and asking for motivation. It's been quite a surprise. I never thought writing about such a personal issue, such as my weight, would receive so much feedback. I, by no means, think my body transformation is one for the record book, but I'm flattered to have heard from so many readers. I'm always open to answering questions or giving encouragement, so keep the e-mails coming.

Back then, I was so terrified of putting that post up because I was afraid. I was afraid of the jokes that might be made. I was also afraid of the criticism from those who believed I didn't have it that bad. I am fully aware that my body wasn't in the worst shape it could have been. However, the body I was in was slowly killing the girl within.

I'm about to be incredibly embarrassed, and you're about to see a photo I swore I would never show anyone. It was the biggest I had ever been. I took it when I first started my journey, in order to mark the progress I made along the way.

This was when I was thirty pounds over weight. That weight not only held my body down, but it held my spirits down too. I had no self esteem. I had no confidence. I despised what I looked like, and I despised myself for letting it get that far. I was starting to lose the girl I had always been.

Despite my own putdowns, I was in a relationship where being called "fat" was a regular occurrence. I struggled with intimacy because I was ashamed of my body. When I tried to get healthy and on track, there was little to no motivation from my boyfriend. I got comments like, "Should you really be eating that?" or "That's all the time you spent on the treadmill today? That's nothing." I was crushed, and fell back in my old ways.

I found comfort in what was making me gain weight; food and alcohol. I would sit in front of the TV and mindlessly eat a bag of chips. Later I would beat myself up for doing it. When I went out with my friends I would get too tipsy. I was unhappy and drinks made me forget that for a few hours.

I don't know when it hit me that I needed to make a change, but slowly I mustered up the strength to let go of the mentally harmful relationship I was in. Once I did, I began the journey to start loving myself again. The first step was getting healthy. I surrounded myself with motivating people, even if they were just in the fitness magazines I purchased. I was determined to get my old body back. Counting calories and going to the gym became a regular part of my day. I started dropping pounds. I looked better, but most of all I felt better. I was able to run longer and I didn't feel sick from junk food. 

It took over a year, but I lost the thirty pounds. While I lost the weight, it took awhile to lose the old attitude. I still struggled with being confident. I still felt ugly, even though I had physically changed. I was looking for reassurance in the wrong places, especially in dating. I struggled with finding love for myself, and so I tried to find it from people who were unable to give it. Being alone is what led me to find that confidence again. I got in touch with myself and all the things I used to immerse myself in; writing, painting, reading, all the things that made up me.

I'm living a healthier and happier life now. I still go to the gym and I still eat healthy. I do it because it makes me feel good, and because there are always things I could tighten up! I stopped going out so much, and drinking isn't very appealing anymore. It's been nice waking up early, without a hangover, ready to take on the day. It's also been nice to stop drinking empty calories. 

There are those weak moments, but whenever I feel like I want that whole bag of chips while I'm watching 90210, I think of this quote, 

"Don't trade what you want most for what you want at this moment."

So, for those who want to make a lifestyle change, stay motivated! It takes time, but you'll get there. I promise. And if you ever find yourself in a relationship that is unhealthy and makes you unhappy with yourself, leave. It's not worth it. No one deserves to ever feel put down. Don't lose the love you have for yourself. Hold onto it tightly. And if you do lose it, fight to get it back. The strongest relationship you have should be with yourself.

Stay healthy and happy, my friends.


14 comments:

  1. You exude beauty, confidence and positivity. You are so inspirational to others; not because of previous body issues, but because your attitude illuminates that improving one's self one day at a time, the healthy way, can lead to such wonderful results. Fantastic blog!

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  2. Thank u for sharing ur personal story. It opened my eyes and I'm really glad that I read it. I started blogging last after my former best friend's wedding... I say former because after that day, I saw her true self, and felt so much pain from her, for being overweight. But like you said, it was I who made myself this way, and I need to take control and change it. I know it takes time to get to where I want to be, I want to push myself to get there! Thank u for inspiring me:) xoxo

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  3. May I ask where is your bathing suit from? So pretty! YOu are an inspiration to me. I look exactly like the old you and feel like the old you. I want a new me, a happy strong and confident me!
    Thanks

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  4. They are both from Victoria's Secret.

    It feels incredible to be called an inspiration and to have so much feedback from women who have been in my shoes. It's so inspiring that there is a community of such supportive beings. It only makes it easier to become who you want to become. You ladies can do it! Don't ever think you can't.

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  5. This made me emotional. Ever since I started dated my boyfriend (3 years ago) I have gained weight, and became lazy. He had always been active and into sports more than I had. When we first started dating I was probably 20 pounds lighter than I am now. There are times where he'll make a comment about how i used to look. It hurts because I know that I am not the same size. He convinced me to start working out, and I do at least 3 times a week. It feels good to be working out, but I still felt that something is missing. I read this post, and I have never in all of the blogs articles and books that I've read, been so inspired. I was touched. It was the motivation that i needed. Now i know that it CAN happen. I CAN look the way i want to. Thank you.

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  6. Wow... Amazing. True inspiration. I used to be very fit and 115lbs. Then i got pregnant and gained 45lbs. I lost all but 10lbs but ever since then i am struggling to get motivated to get my body back. Nothing is toned. My butt/thighs are larger than before. And i still have a small pooch. Besides eating right (which is a very vital part) Do you have any other suggestions? I'm a stay at home mom... My daughter is 5 months old. I sadly can't really afford the gym. I have a kettle bell and 8lb weights... What i can do? Will running and eating right help me get my body back? Any suggestions? Thank you!!

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    1. I feel like I could have written that myself a few months ago! I too am a stay at home mom and prebaby was fit and tone...9 months later I was up 55 pounds the first 20-30 were relatively easy to loose but once you get into the "extra" weight gain it is HARD! I would suggest as far as working out goes take advantage of being able to do a couple of hours of active exercise since you are home and with a younger baby it is a lot easier! What I did was I tried to walk everyday for at least 30 mins to an hour, then during nap time try a good work out video (I did Insanity, but I know it is expensive if you don't already own it. Your local library would be a great resource to try a variety) Then finally at least a couple times a week I would run 20-30 minutes. With runs I would let my hubby or my parents watch baby so I could have some me time and have a chance to clear my head. I lost 20 pounds in 4 months doing this as well as watching what I ate. Good luck!

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  7. i just posted on another of your blog postings, but i have to say so many of these things you commented on just screamed at me.....i think i needed to see this today, especially. thank you for sharing your sweet story. you are truly an inspiration and you look fabulous!!! xo

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  8. Hi, just discovered your blog, YOU ARE AMAZING, total inspiration :) But I didn't notice you have written that what you did to lose your weight. What you ate, how did you exercise etc. But that you so much for sharing your story with us :)

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  9. Oodles of thanks! Here is a post with some tips. Email me anytime.

    http://www.shineorset.com/2012/04/thank-you.html

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  10. "So, for those who want to make a lifestyle change, stay motivated! It takes time, but you'll get there. I promise. And if you ever find yourself in a relationship that is unhealthy and makes you unhappy with yourself, leave. It's not worth it. No one deserves to ever feel put down. Don't lose the love you have for yourself. Hold onto it tightly. And if you do lose it, fight to get it back. The strongest relationship you have should be with yourself."

    ...What you said here is how I am feeling about my life right now, to a T. But I am struggling with letting my relationship with my boyfriend get in the way of taking care of myself.

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  11. How did you beat that plateau? i have had the same waistline for the two months now and I am working out and eating healthy. Did you ever have a moment where the weight was getting harder to lose?

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  12. How did you beat the plateau? Or did you have a plateau? Lately I am having the hardest time losing my waist and I have been at the same waist line for the last 2 months and eating super healthy and exercising too. Does it take time and should I just be patient?

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  13. Such an amazing story, and to be honest - sounds a lot like me (even though I'm still at the beginning stage). I used to make some very unhealthy choices, and I'm so glad to see your progress because that's just one more person who accomplished what I need to. Thank you so much for sharing this.

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