12.29.2011

reflections

The new year is creeping up quickly. It's silent as it comes towards me. It wraps its arms around me, as a way of saying goodbye. The past year holds a strange feeling of brevity, but so many reflections pass through my mind as I sift through the memories.

There were certain conversations I tend to rewind and play back to myself. I listen for the familiar silences that should have been filled with feelings, or the jumbled parts where I knew I should have held my tongue. They are conversations that somehow still hold so much promise, even though they were acted out long ago. It's those dreaded "what if's" that try to fill the empty spaces and try in futile attempts to drown out the unwanted words. It's funny how a conversation can hold so much weight in the capacity of a year.

There were certain moments I wish I had held onto a little tighter. They were filled with what felt right, at least at that time. They were special, although I was blind to their value as they unfolded. It doesn't matter how small or silly the moments were, they captured bits and pieces of my heart. I realize that now. I revisit them through my journals, photos, or the way I remember it in my mind. Traveling back in time to take in the scents, the sounds, the sights, the feelings won't ever be as good as the real thing. It's so important to soak up what makes one happy.

There were people that entered my life and those who left. Some made grand entrances, while others silently tip-toed in. Some slammed the door behind them, while others slowly found the exit. Each one held their place in my life whether it was for a short period of time, or a long one. They had their lessons to teach. They had a purpose. No matter how much I loved them or loathed them, they were meant to shape me. Their influence might have been in the form of a broken heart, a friendship, or a death. People had reason for being in my life, and it is so crucial to remember that.

Reflecting has only made projecting that much more simple. Reflecting isn't about regretting. Sure, the "what if's" faintly glimmer in my mind. I'm human. But I'm beginning to realize that I'm living the biggest "what if" of them all. My life. Every conversation, moment, and person has led me to where I am now.

I'm ready to embrace all that 2012 throws my way.
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