12.21.2011

what would you do...

This seems like a simple question. A question that's become comfortable with sitting in my mind as I try to scrounge up the answers. It should be easy, right? Some would choose a career or making it big, a marriage or a family, the lottery or a diet, a dangerous activity or a new hobby.

They are all dreams. Some are more wild than others, but that's what dreams are. They are our own desires and aspirations that we hope with all our hearts come true, no matter how farfetched they may seem. It's comforting to believe that everything we encounter has the possibility for success, but the balance of failure snaps us out of dream state and back to a darker reality. Things aren't meant to fall into place all the time. It's just how life is, and it tends to cause us to set boundaries for ourselves, whether we know it or not.

I regretfully have set numerous boundaries for myself. It was a subconscious feat, but one that I know holds me back. Although certain walls are there, it doesn't stop me from dreaming. I am a big dreamer. So with that, the simple question sits in my mind, probing me with the words, "What would you do?" Its feet are propped up on the coffee table and it's not heading out into the chilly air until I give it some answers.

I would...

Move away for awhile. I've lived here my whole life. There is a stability and familiarity in that. Everything I know is here. My family, my relationships and friendships, my job, my education, my apartment. I know where the roads and freeways lead. I know where to get a darn good sandwich and which art supply stores have the best prices. Just because it's comfortable doesn't mean I don't yearn for something more.

So, knowing I could not fail, I would pack up my things. Charlie and I would head out on the road and find a new place to call home. A place where I could start over and rebuild exactly who I want to be. Start a career. Get acquainted with new faces and find new hang-outs. Really experience being alone.

Open up my heart fully. As much as I believe in the whole true love mumbo-jumbo, it doesn't mean I'm not fearful. The past can instill that fear, and I'm beginning to realize how much it holds me back. It makes a clam out of me. I tend to close myself off because I'm too focused on the chance of something good ending. That's just no way to live.

So, knowing I could not fail, I would focus on the present moment. I would love unconditionally, fully, and with reckless abandon because I believe in a great love. Great loves are consuming. Wild. Knock the wind out of you. More than you ever bargained for. Stay with you forever. Hold no room for fear.

Write a best-seller. It's been a dream since I was little. It's why I went to school to learn more about words, literature, and the authors who made such big impacts on the world. I write in my spare time, but it would be wonderful to quit obligations and solely work on this goal. With so many ideas floating up in my head, I know that in time they could be captured by the bindings of a book.

So, knowing I could not fail, I would focus in on writing. I would forget everything else and make my laptop my only companion. I wouldn't be afraid of others' opinions. I would impact someone's life with my story. It wouldn't be about the money, but about seeing my name on the cover of a book.

Be more adventurous. I was brought up to be careful. Helmets were mandatory, as were groups of two to the bathroom, and pepper spray in my purse. I appreciated the carefulness of my upbringing and it allowed me to make wise decisions in the present, but sometimes I wish I could be a little more wild. 

So, knowing I could not fail, I would stop thinking about the consequences. I wouldn't be scared of a broken bone. I would step out of my comfort zone. I would go sky diving, snowboarding, eat an unknown animal's body part, mountain climb, ride a motorcycle, cliff dive, swim with sharks, go backpacking around the world. Anything to get some sort of adrenaline rush.

Maybe my dreams aren't as far-fetched as others, but it doesn't mean they aren't special. They hold a big place in my heart. I realize they aren't impossible. They are actually very possible...if I'm open to them. I'm tired of living in these silly fears. They only leave me asking, "What if?" That's the worst question of them all. It's filled with the could-have-beens, unfulfilled wishes, and potential promises. So why not live as if you couldn't fail?

I'm ready to try. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to just go for it.
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1 comment:

  1. I love this post! And your courage :) Go live your life!!!
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete

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