Can I be honest? I did say I was going to be more honest and candid on here, didn't I?
Being away from Matt has been f*cking hard. Like, really hard.
Which is strange because most of the tours he goes on I can handle life and being alone and managing our house and dogs just fine...after the first night. The first night is full of snotty pillows and tears I could fill a 32 oz jug with. Then after my emotional breakdown I move on, and I start anew in the morning. I have a life. I have my routine. I have a lot going on outside my relationship. That all makes the distance and the time easier.
But hell, this time nothing filled that void. I was pissed. I was sad. I was confused. I was all sorts of "hot mess" emotions. And he knew it. He asked me if I was medicated once. Obviously joking.
I don't know what made this time so different and so much tougher than the others. I thought after two years of this "hello - goodbye" relationship I would be a pro at it. I was mistaken. Maybe it's because we had two months together before he left, which made his presence comfortable and dependable. Or maybe it's because I had so much going on that I just needed that like physical support. He is a damn good virtual support, but sometimes you just need a hug and maybe a bowl of ice cream handed to you while you sink further into the oblivion of the couch.
I didn't go out to visit him this time, which s u c k e d.
I usually don't get to go out anyways (and it's not that big of a deal), unless it's summer and I'm not broke. As a teacher, this is rare, but sometimes we make it work. Going out to visit just wasn't plausible, even though it's the only thing I wanted. If you read one of my recent posts (here), you know the stress monster I've been.
So, where am I going with this?
Sometimes it's hard to have the bigger picture in your head. You want the golden egg, and you want it now (any Willy Wonka fans out there?) Sometimes the things you want right, right now just aren't feasible with the more important things you want in the future. I guess this was a lesson I needed to be taught this time around.
Right now it's time to be an adult, work my job, save money, collect vacation days. Sounds boring, but necessary in order to make sure our wedding is nothing short of magical and well-planned. This is something I've waited my whole life for. I needed to change my outlook in order to appreciate the bigger and better thing that is coming my way.
He comes home today. After 39 days apart, I can finally have my hug and maybe that bowl of ice cream.