shine or set

a lifestyle blog

Fears of Having a Second Child

The decision to have another child wasn't as simple as I thought it would be. When I was pregnant with Jaxin, I thought we would try for another one right away. I was totally on board with "Irish twins." That changed when we had Jaxin. He became our whole world, as our kids tend to do.

The thought of having another was so far from my mind - not because of the reasons you might think. It wasn't the lack of sleep, being someone's constant food source, smelly diapers, the lack of freedom I once had. Moms, you might hate me for this, but the newborn stage (and beyond) wasn't all that scary as people made it out to be. Sure, it was hard and sometimes overwhelming, but it wasn't anything we couldn't handle.

What really freaked me (and Matt) out was the idea of loving another human being. The thought of giving our attention and care to anyone besides our son seemed impossible. Truthfully, it still seems pretty impossible, which almost makes me feel guilty knowing our baby girl is growing in my belly. I keep waiting for it to hit me like a wave. You know, that flow of love. I thought I'd feel it at the first ultrasound or when we found out the gender or when I heard her heartbeat for the first time, but it hasn't hit me yet. This makes me feel horrible.

Please, don't get me wrong. I'm excited! But I'm also scared. I think it's a mixture of fears. The fear of my relationship changing with my son. The fear of him feeling like he's coming second. The fear of our family dynamic completely changing. The fear of not being able to juggle two kids. The fear of not being a good enough mother to one, let alone two. All of this takes away from focusing on the beautiful baby growing inside me.

Another contributing factor I'm not so focused on this pregnancy the way I was with my first. Obviously, I'm doing what is necessary to grow a healthy baby. I'm just not paying attention to every little feeling or googling every thing under the sun. It's almost like a "been there, done that" feeling. Plus, I'm distracted with a crazy toddler! It's hard to focus on anything else.

I wanted to write this post in case any other mamas out there are feeling the same way. You're not alone! I think it's normal to have doubts and fears and excitement all jumbled together.

Everyone I've talked to says your heart grows as your family grows. I know when I meet our baby girl for the first time that rush of love will come and my fears will least a little. Everything will feel as it should.


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