shine or set

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I’m Struggling to Love my Firstborn


As I write this, I longingly look over at my toddler son sleeping on the baby monitor. I've spent the majority of my evening crying, as my newborn daughter sleeps by my side. It's day four of being home from the hospital with our beautiful new addition - making us a family of four. I knew this transition would be hard, but I didn't know it would be this hard.

In the time leading up to my daughter's birth, I held my son so tight, soaking him in, terrified of the upcoming change. I was unconvinced I would be able to love another, no matter what reassurances other moms tried to give me. I didn't think there was room in my heart, but then my daughter was placed on my chest and my heart immediately grew.

While it's difficult to imagine life without her now, the memories of my son being the baby still linger. I barely recognize him now. He looks like he grew twice his size overnight. I swear he's bigger than when we left for the hospital. Besides this, the happy boy I knew is gone. He is so angry - all the time. He screams so loud. He clenches his hands into fists. He slaps me across the face. He wants nothing to do with me - and everything to do with "dada". He's unrecognizable to me.

I was so fearful I wouldn't be able to love my daughter - and now I'm struggling to love my son.

I know his little heart is hurting. His world has turned upside down. He wants his mama all to himself like before. Little does he know, my heart is hurting. My world has been turned upside down. I want to be the mama he remembers. I miss the hugs, the laughter, the wild chases around the house, the kisses, the smiles, the dance parties, the bubble baths, the trips to Target, the "mamas."

Nothing feels like I left it and it's crippling me.

I know it will get better with time. I know we will find our new normal. I know I love my son and he loves me, but we have some navigating to do. I know I'm suffering with the "baby blues," which escalates my feelings.

I also know it's only been a few days, but I wanted to write this in the mess of things. I wanted to be transparent. I want another mama to read this and feel less alone, less shame, less guilt. I want to provide what I need right now in this moment.

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I wanted to write a brief follow-up because there should be a silver lining for anyone going through this - and  never want my writing to end as anything but positive.

It’s been two weeks home as a family of four. While Jaxin still has his moments, he has become recognizable again. He’s become my friend again. I think my husband going back to work has ultimately forced this, but I’m okay with that. While we are working at our new relationship every day, I’m very hopeful. I’m getting used to our new normal - just like he is.

You’ll get used to your new normal too. Be patient, empathetic, hopeful, and most of all, be kind to yourself.

Comments

  1. Sad but beautiful words. You’re a great mother to both of your sons, we can feel it throught your words. I’m not a mama yet but I’m your fan❤️

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  2. Thank you so so much for your honesty, sending all my love to you & your beautiful family ❤️
    I have a 1yr old and we’re currently talking about no.2 and I share the same worries. Just remember, you got this mama xx

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  3. It's all going to be okay. I went through this and it took some time. The best thing to know is it's worth fighting for. You are an amazing Mom. Stay encouraged.

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  4. Thank you so much for sharing this! I don’t have children yet, but reading things like this give me a true glimpse into what to expect. It’s not just about having the model Instagram family that looks perfect. The reality is a lot goes on that no one ever talks about, and it’s nice to have someone be as transparent as you are.

    I also just want to say, even though you don’t know me at all: I’m so proud of you. I’ve followed you since 2013, when you had the old blog. I fell in love with your personality & honesty. You got this. You’re incredibly strong and I’ve been blessed to watch your journey and growth over the years. Can’t wait to watch your little family grow❤️

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  5. I'm 33 weeks pregnant with a girl and I have an 18 month old boy who is my world. I'm a SAHM and dread leaving him for the 2 days I go to the hospital to have my baby. I also fear that I wouldn't be able to love another as much as I love him. I know it will be hard at the start but we will get through it as will you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing this ❤

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  6. Same case here! My baby girl was born on Oct 9, I was feeling the same, guilty, sad and unsure about our future, it gets better eventually I’m still struggling to have a normal day because I have a Csection and obviously my toddler feels that I don’t want him :( he hasn’t make a big deal about the baby sister only about the physical activity he was used to have with me, he wants to be on top of me and wants to be hug. I taught that i was not going to make it the first week, I still cry in every corner not because I regret being a mother of 2 but because I feel that I betrayed my older son. I still want to know if this will get easier and if one day I will be able to laugh about this moment.

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